


if you love me, don't let go

by anothersadsong



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: And a little bit of angst, F/M, and a steadfast bodyguard, and an ocean's worth of pining, but you'll have to read in order to find out if it has a happy ending, it's au time!, some some of royalty au i guess, there are some 'heated moments', with a beautiful princess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 08:14:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14540520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anothersadsong/pseuds/anothersadsong
Summary: happy may the fourth to my lovely recipient when-did-this-become-difficult! written for the prompt 'pick any 3 of the following things: tender, AU, family, rifle, silence, blue'. while i did not manage to incorporate three ideas together, i do think that i found some pretty tender moments in this au. i hope you enjoy it!(special thanks go out to (diegocassians, without whose willingness to indulge in half-rp i would not have found the inspiration for this particular au.and to my wonderful betas, guinevak, incognitajones, k-lara7 & writinredhead for making this so much better than i ever could have done myself.)





	if you love me, don't let go

Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away … 

A King and a Queen from a faraway land were touring the war-torn remnants of another kingdom in order to see what aid their own could offer. 

Their caravan stopped in its tracks as it was assaulted with rocks and obscenities hurled by children who had been orphaned by the war.

Before she could be warned not to, the Queen pushed open the carriage door and leaped into the fray, her husband immediately following. 

She didn’t need his protection, but in this, as in all things, he would be right by her side. 

Most of the children scattered, but one held his ground, clutching tight to the rock in his bruised, dirty fist. The Queen, however, still offered a hand to the boy, who warily eyed her for a long moment before the desire for comfort outweighed all else and he tumbled into her embrace, hot tears soaking through the shoulder of her gown even as he trembled in his silent rage. 

The Queen met her husband’s eyes over the top of the boy’s head, and they both knew exactly where their aid was needed most. They could not in good conscience leave these children to fend for themselves. 

“It’s all right,” she murmured, a gentle hand rubbing soothing circles against the boy’s back, his clothing thin, almost threadbare underneath her fingertips. “We won’t hurt you. We want to help. Are you hungry?”

The boy nodded and shifted as he reluctantly pulled away, the rock in his hand dropping to his feet. He was still wary, ready to run, back to whatever hovel he was calling a home, never sure of when he’d find his next meal or if he would even live to see another day. 

But he knew that he could also take a chance and trust these people who seemed kind enough to actually care about the well-being of a perfect stranger. And so, with tears still wet around his dark, keen eyes, he took the Queen’s hand and allowed her to lead him back to their carriage, where there was plenty of fresh food and water to be shared. 

There was also a sleeping four-year-old girl, exhausted from all the travel. 

The boy eyed her critically, as well, but settled in next to her, eagerly tearing into a sweet roll the King handed him. 

They would make plans later to send aid for the orphans and other displaced citizens. But now, there was another pressing matter to attend to.

“How would you like a job?” the Queen asked, her gaze shifting from the boy to the sleeping toddler. 

And so, eight-year-old Cassian Andor, who had never stepped foot from the borders of his homeland, found a job and a home in a land far, far away from the only home that he had ever known. 

“Look after her, keep her safe”, the Queen gently asked of him as she handed him off into the care of the Captain of the Guards, and Cassian nodded seriously, his unspoken promise that he would not fail at his task.

At first, he was companion to little Princess Jyn, four years his junior. He was educated alongside her, played alongside her. For all intents and purposes, even when he was herding her away from trouble - both of her own design and not - he was her very best friend in the entire world. 

Even when it seemed like she was taking the utmost pleasure in frustrating her bodyguard to no end. Maybe it was because they had grown up together, and the princess saw him as nothing more than a bothersome older brother who constantly kept her from having any fun. 

Cassian tried not to think about his own family - taken away from him far too soon by the same uprising and coup that had put a new monarch on the throne … and executed the one that had come before. He couldn’t help but feel a sharp little satisfaction in knowing that the former dictator had received exactly what he deserved. Cassian had a new life now. A good life. And there was no reason to live in the past. 

Cassian was diligent in all things, whether it was his studies, training with the captain of the guards, or keeping Jyn out of harm’s way - just as serious when it came to taking care of scraped knees and elbows, wiping tears away from clear green eyes, or steering her away from starting fist fights with anyone who so much as dared to attempt to take liberties that she was unwilling to offer. Just once, he thought, he’d love to set the little spitfire loose and see what she could do. 

He could hardly say just when he’d begun to see her in a different light, the change had come about so gradually. He had never found the young princess unbearable and never would have said as much even if he had. Where he had once found it annoying to have to rein her in whenever her impatience got the best of her and she inevitably disappeared to hole up in the library and read or wander the gardens in order to get lost for a little while, he now found it … endearing, in a way. 

Again, not that he would ever say as much. Who would he tell? 

Without ever realizing it, she had grown from the stubborn child who demanded bedtime stories every night (and sometimes needed hugs after nightmares woke her from her slumber) into a vibrant, intelligent and beautiful young woman with a very bright future ahead of her. 

“Look after her, keep her safe”, the King asked of him, pulling him away to speak privately in the moments before the princess was to attend her very first ball, and Cassian nodded seriously, his unspoken promise to keep her out of the clutches of anyone who would do her harm. 

He had vowed to protect Jyn - although he was almost certain that the fierce little princess could take care of herself if need be. He knew that it was unfair (and probably very selfish of him) to put a stop to any romantic entanglements that she courted before they ever really had a chance to blossom, but it was part of his job. Or so he told himself. 

The last thing he ever wanted was to see her hurt. And he was more than capable of making disappear those who ever tried to hurt her. 

He had been as young as she was now once, had found himself at the mercy of his body’s urges, knew very well what could happen if she gave in to hers. 

It would be a lie, though, to say that he took no great pleasure in stepping out of the shadows of the dimly lit stables, startling the princess and an eager young groom away from each other before anything had the chance to become too heated. Cassian didn’t even have to say a word to send the boy running. An arched eyebrow and his lips set in a thin, hard line was all it took. 

“I hate you!” Jyn had growled, stomping from the stables in her fury, horses whinnying in her wake. 

“I know, Princess,” Cassian had answered, as always, following a few steps behind.

But it never took very long to fall back into familiar patterns … at least until the next time that he’d have to scare away yet another person to come sniffing around his princess’ skirts. 

The next time, Jyn and some stuffed shirt Duke had slipped away from yet another ball, and Cassian had silently followed, making his presence known just in time to see the Duke reach out to caress Jyn’s cheek, flushed pink in the lights strung through the trees in the garden. 

“No,” was all he said, shaking his head slowly, his intention crystal clear as he stepped between the amorous pair. 

“You know better,” he warned the Duke, before turning to face Jyn, disappointment clear in his normally inscrutable expression. “And so do you.”

The Duke spluttered and postured, and Cassian was sure there was a ‘how dare you’ with his name on it to follow, but he was not intimidated in the slightest. The same could not be said for the Duke, who took a small step backward and then another as Cassian took one closer. 

Although his voice was even and calm, it was clear that he was giving the Duke a warning, one that he would have no qualms making a reality. 

“I would suggest that you take your leave now.”

(If you know what’s best for you. If you would like for your fingers to remain unbroken and your pretty face to remain unbloodied.)

It was a warning that the Duke took very seriously, wheeling around and making a quick escape, and all without ever saying a word. 

Jyn pushed ineffectually at Cassian’s shoulder, her upset more than clear in her tone as she muttered that he was ruining her life. 

“I know, Princess,” was all he offered as he escorted her back inside. 

He knew that it was difficult for Jyn to live up to what was expected of her, and he empathized with her struggle, but that was the life that she had been born into. All he could hope for was that she would find happiness - someday. 

And that he would be allowed to follow wherever she would go. 

Cassian used to be annoyed when Jyn would purposely undo the elaborate hairstyles her maids dutifully wove into her hair every morning, rolling his eyes as she pleaded with him to do them instead, all wide eyes and innocence as she stated that she just liked it more when it was Cassian who braided her hair - that he was the only one that could do it right.

He feigned his annoyance even now, on the eve of yet another ball (one of many since the princess had come of a marriageable age), but he relished the chance to touch the untouchable princess. He pretended not to notice the way she’d shiver when his fingers lingered against the nape of her neck. He tried valiantly to ignore the funny feeling in the pit of his stomach when she thanked him and nibbled on her bottom lip as if there was something that she wanted to say but couldn’t bring herself to do so. 

Her name was on the tip of his tongue, but the arrival of her lady’s maid broke the moment and whatever could have been. Cassian swallowed everything back down and waited for her to step in front of him. Where she went, he would follow, ever watchful, ever vigilant, ever devoted - to Jyn, and only to Jyn. He would do anything for the princess, even lay down his own life if need be. He was loyal to her, but more than that - 

He loved her. 

Fully. Faithfully. Futilely. If all he could do was love her from afar, he would have to be content with that - that, and the little moments that he could commit to memory. Her soft hair slipping through his fingers every time she complained that the maids always braided it too tight, every goodnight that they shared before he took his leave to the little room right beside hers that he called his own, every sigh, or impatient roll of her eyes, or secret smile that they shared when she was being bored to tears by whatever insufferable fool she was forced to speak with. 

It would never be enough, and yet, it had to be. Jyn was destined for so much more than Cassian could ever give her. He loved her. He would always love her. No matter where she went, no matter what she did, no matter who she was with. Even if she never knew it, she carried his heart with her through it all. 

She was so close, yet she would forever be just out of reach. 

Maybe they would have had a chance in another life.. Maybe Cassian had to hold on to that hope. 

Another evening passed in another party, and Cassian said his goodnight, sighing once he was in the sanctuary of his room, relaxing only marginally as he went about his usual routines. He was in the middle of washing his face when a soft knock at the door startled him into dropping his washcloth and striding purposefully to the door. Duty never truly ended, even when he was preparing to rest, unbuttoned and disheveled and ready for sleep. 

“... Jyn?”, he queried, confused but alert as he ushered her inside, quick to scan the hallway for any sign of danger. “What’s happened? What’s wrong?”

Although he easily caught her and held her close when she practically launched herself at him, his concern deepened all the more. 

“It’s all right,” he murmured, hoping to soothe whatever was ailing the princess, who normally never fell into histrionics like others he’d witnessed at handfuls of parties before. “Whatever’s happened, it will be alright. All you have to do is tell me. I’ll fix it, Jyn, I’ll do whatever I can to make it right.”

“You can’t,” she mumbled, her words muffled against his chest, holding him like she would never let go again. 

Cassian’s heart fell all the further, even as he traced gentle, nondescript patterns against her back. “Tell me, Jyn. Tell me. Let me help, please.”

For as reluctant as Cassian was to break apart, he knew that they couldn’t stand in the center of his quarters all night. And while he knew that his room wasn’t nearly as spacious as hers, he could still, at the very least, make her comfortable. So, even though he had to remove her from the safety and comfort of his embrace, as he stepped away slowly, his fingers caught hers and he gently urged her to follow. 

For once, not the other way around. 

He had a desk, but only one chair, and that would not do. The only other place that would afford them any sort of comfort … He swallowed hard and led Jyn to the bed instead - his bed, not too big, not too small, just right. 

Although this was completely unlike any of his more heated imaginings, watching Jyn as she gingerly sat and gazed up at him through wide, anxious green eyes, Cassian felt a heat pooling low in his belly that he tried desperately to ignore. 

This was hardly the right place, nor the right time. 

He took a deep breath to steady himself before he sat, too. Close enough for their knees to touch, close enough for him to take her delicate hand in his again, relishing in its softness, the heat of it against his rougher palm. 

Again, he tried - “What’s wrong?”

For a moment, Cassian thought that he could see fear darken Jyn’s normally bright eyes, but if she was afraid, she didn’t allow it to control her for very long, even if she did squeeze his fingers for reassurance just before she spoke.

“They’re not you,” she began, and Cassian’s heart leapt into his throat. “I can’t do it. I can’t pretend to go along with this anymore, Cassian, I can’t possibly be expected to marry if my heart belongs to someone else. I don’t care if it’s good for the kingdom, and I know that that’s selfish … “

Her breath caught audibly then, and Cassian took the opportunity to gently prompt her to continue with a soft - “But … ?”

“I want to do what’s best for me,” she answered slowly, as though she was fearful that what she had to say was utterly ridiculous … that he’d let her know as such and in no uncertain terms. 

But he didn’t. He listened - because she needed him to listen. Because he needed to hear what she had to say.

“And what is that, if it’s not forging an alliance and strengthening the kingdom? It’s what’s expected, Jyn, you know that,” Cassian replied even though the words felt heavy on his tongue and left a sour taste in the aftermath of saying them. 

“I didn’t ask for it, Cassian! I didn’t ask for any of it!,” Jyn exclaimed, shaking her head so vehemently that her loose hair fell into her eyes, partially obscuring her from his view. “Why doesn’t it matter what I want? Why isn’t my happiness taken into consideration? Why can’t we make new traditions instead of blindly following the old?”

Tentatively, Cassian reached out with his free hand, careful as he brushed her face clear, indulging himself a bit as he ran his thumb over her cheek, very well aware that by doing so, he was treading a dangerous path. 

But her skin was so soft, and if he never got the opportunity to do so again, at least he could commit this one moment in time to memory instead. 

“... What is it that you want, Jyn?” he asked again, his eyes serious, even though he tried to keep his voice as even and as calm as possible for her.

One heartbeat, two, three, another and another and another, and Jyn didn’t answer. All Cassian could hear in the silence of the room were her ragged breaths and his heart beating unsteadily in his ears. The princess never broke eye contact, even though it was obvious that she was nervous, that she was thinking and overthinking what she wanted to say. 

But eventually … 

“You. What I want is you,” she replied, the flutter in her voice indicative of the turmoil of her emotions. 

Cassian’s heart soared to hear that his feelings were more reciprocated than he ever could have dreamed. He laughed - a strangled, strange sort of sound - and ducked his head to try to hide the pure delight and joy in his expression - the depth of which he just could not hold at bay. 

“Oh, Jyn -” he managed, relishing in that few moments of utter bliss before the realization of their situation dashed his dreams completely. “Oh, no.”

There was no mistaking the sharp breath Jyn took then, and Cassian glanced up at her, his eyes deeply sad, the smile he offered brittle. 

“I could not allow myself to dream that you would ever feel what I felt,” he hesitantly offered. “I … I cannot begin to explain how unbelievable it feels to hear you say such things, but Jyn … Princess … you know that we can never be.”

It broke his heart to break hers. 

But for as much as he wanted to pull her into the circle of his arms, to hold her and kiss her and promise himself to her in all ways, forever, he did not make a move. He barely breathed. He couldn’t even bring himself to meet her eyes, suddenly afraid of what he might see reflected back at him if he did. 

“Tell me that you don’t feel the same, Cassian,” Jyn pleaded, squeezing the hand that she was already holding as though it was her lifeline. “Tell me that you don’t love me, too, and I will leave this room right now, I will leave and we will never speak of it again for as long as we live.”

But Cassian was not a liar. Especially not to Jyn, especially not here, not now, not ever. And it would hurt them both all the more deeply to deny what they both knew was very real. Slowly, he raised his head and met her eyes, shocked to see that there was no hate in Jyn’s clear green eyes, just a deep sadness that he knew all too well. 

Carefully, he took her other hand and brought it to his lips, pressing the softest kiss to the back of it. He had no royal blood running in his veins, but he knew how to be a gentleman - he knew how to treat a lady right. 

“I have nothing of note to offer you, Princess. No title, no land, and while your parents have been very kind to me, my wages are so paltry compared to those who could give you the world. All I have to offer is me - my heart. And you deserve so much more than that, Jyn, you deserve every happiness that life can bring.”

How could she possibly find that with him? They could never be truly together, only in the moments when she wasn’t occupied with her duties and responsibilities as Princess. They could never marry. He could never give her children, if she wished it of him. What kind of life would that be? How fair was it to have to keep their love a secret? 

But when he met her eyes once more, the barest hint of hopefulness that he saw manifest there nearly took his breath away.

“That’s all I could ever hope for, Cassian, that I could hold your heart as thoroughly as you hold mine. I don’t care about the rest. I don’t care. I only want you.”

Cassian shook his head, the lump in his throat too large to swallow. Slowly, he leaned in close until he was gently resting his forehead against hers, close enough to share breath, close enough to kiss, if either of them felt brave enough to take that chance. 

But neither did. They were content enough just to be close, feeling the caress of the other’s breath on their faces, two heartbeats pounding in a perfect rhythm. Cassian released Jyn’s hand so that he could set it against her back only for a moment before he gave in to the urge to slide it slowly upward, up and underneath the the silky, heavy curtain of her hair, finally resting his warm, calloused palm against the back of her neck, his lips curling into a tiny smile as she shivered from just his touch. 

“I was so jealous,” Jyn murmured, her eyes fluttering shut as she spoke. “So jealous of all the other girls that caught your eye. I wanted it to be me, Cassian, and it never was.”

She breathed out a soft, shaky breath before continuing. “I wanted to send them all away, I didn’t want them to return, I didn’t want to see you look at them in the way that I wanted you to see me. I just - I know what you did with them, I know that after I was put away for the evening, you took them to your bed, and I - “

“Jyn - “ he tried, a familiar guilt gnawing at the pit of his belly. She sounded so small, so sad, so unlike the confident woman she was, and it was all his fault. If only she knew that in his heart was only her. 

“I didn’t send them away. If they made you happy … I couldn’t. I wanted you to be happy, even if it couldn’t be me that made you happy. And I thought - I had hoped that it might get easier, but it hurt. It still hurts.”

Cassian knew what was coming next, and he tried to brace himself for it. 

“Sometimes, you still take them to bed, don’t you?”

He couldn’t lie. Not to her. And so, although he waited a moment to answer, when he did, it was truthfully. “Sometimes. But if it hurts you, I’ll stop. It has never been my intention to hurt you, Jyn, surely you know that. And I am sorry, I am so sorry … “

And then, Cassian was stopped in his tracks as Jyn breached that final miniscule gulf left between them, watched him intently for one heartbeat then two, and finally pressed her lips against his in an impossibly soft, sweet kiss. 

Oh, how he loved this woman.

Something in him gave way then, and Cassian suddenly needed to be closer still. He released her hand and dropped his own from her neck, immediately cupping her warm cheeks and holding her steady as he returned the kiss - as he deepened it in an attempt to satisfy the desire to taste her. 

He didn’t need to breathe quite yet, he found himself pulling away nonetheless, if only to say, despite his fear, and despite all the factors that he knew they would have to face if they did want to make a real effort at being together - 

“I am yours. Completely. I swear it.”

And as she slowly laid back against his pillows, winding her fingers into his loose shirt so that she could pull him down with her, Cassian thought that he must be dreaming again. But if he was, he never wanted to wake. 

For a time, their relationship, however secret, flourished. Nobody ever gave a second thought to the way that Cassian watched his Princess like a hawk, and nobody seemed to notice the new shine in his eyes, nor the subtle smile on his lips as he did so. 

And the Princess seemingly took to her duties with a renewed vigor. She still didn’t entertain the notion of marriage, but that was hardly a new phenomenon, and did not arouse suspicion. For all intents and purposes, things were as they had always been. 

Both looked forward to finding any little moment to spend together, to stealing secret moments throughout the day in order to remind each other of their feelings - even if the only opportunity they had was a quick brush of hands as he escorted her from one meeting to another. It was not ideal, having to hide, but it was what they had. It would have to suffice. 

As the days and weeks passed, both became a little less vigilant when it came to finding safe spaces in which to be alone, in ensuring that there was no chance of anyone stumbling across them in their most private moments. 

They had thought themselves safe within the confines of the library, the floor to ceiling windows overlooking the gardens below. They used it often when the sheer need to be together was too much to ignore. It had always proven a sanctuary before - there was no reason to believe otherwise this time around. 

But there was no mistaking what they had been up to on the afternoon that the King and Queen and their respective attendants suddenly walked through the doors and into a scene that was unmistakable - Jyn’s back pressed against the wall, Cassian totally disheveled, his thigh pressed between her legs, holding her upright as he showered her with heated kisses. 

Cassian didn’t dare make a move, even as his heart plummeted to his feet. Jyn, silent, guilty, peered out at her shocked parents from over his shoulder, fearful of what they might say or how they might react. 

But there was no yelling. There were no accusations or threats. There was just the disappointed King as he quietly called for two guards to escort Cassian to his quarters, where he would be sequestered until further notice. There was just Cassian as he whispered an apology as he passed. There was just the Queen and her sad eyes as she watched his departure. There was just Jyn’s shakily tearful plea to grant Cassian some leniency because she loved him. 

Cassian languished in his room for days, grateful for the small mercy of not being sent to the cells that he knew laid beneath the expansive ancestral home. He hardly ate. He barely slept. He didn’t care about himself more than he worried about Jyn. She wasn’t nearby, he knew it, he couldn’t feel her presence anymore - not for the first time in many years. Had she been sent away? Would he see her again before his inevitable execution? Maybe it was best that she not see him like that - maybe it was best that she remember their good times together instead. He had committed an act of high treason, there was no reason for the King and Queen - who had been so kind so many years ago when they had rescued him, given him a home, a job, a life - to pardon him for his crime. This was how he had repaid them? He loved Jyn with everything that he was, but if that was to be his fate, he knew that he deserved it. 

But Jyn, what would happen to Jyn? Would she be punished for his indiscretions? He could hardly stomach the thought. 

The days passed slowly, bleeding into each other from one to the next as he sat and waited for word of his fate. And then, finally, his door slowly opened and he stared in disbelief to find Jyn behind it, her smile radiant. For a moment, Cassian thought that perhaps he was trapped in the grip of a fever dream.

When she murmured his name, he wept. When she stepped forward and reached for his hand, he trembled. When she led him to the little study where her parents awaited them, his trepidation grew with each step. Was this the calm before the storm? Even if he wasn’t to be executed, he could still be banished - and if that was to be his fate, he found it particularly cruel that Jyn was the one leading him to it. 

But Cassian didn’t have to prostrate himself at their feet, and he didn’t have to beg for their mercy, or to plead for their forgiveness. 

He was taken aback when they offered their apologies to him and Jyn instead. He stood in front of them in stunned silence, clutching Jyn’s hand tightly as they admitted that they had been blind not to have known that feelings had begun to grow between the princess and her most loyal bodyguard, that they had somehow created an environment that made it so that neither of them felt safe coming to speak to not only the reigning monarchs, but to parents, as well, parents who cared about the well-being and happiness of their daughter above all else, even the land that they ruled over. 

They wanted nothing but the best for their daughter, and of course they never wanted to force her into anything that would make her miserable - especially a marriage, no matter how beneficial it would be for both families and both kingdoms involved. 

Marriage wasn’t easy - love wasn’t easy - but it also wasn’t supposed to see either partner unhappy. Jyn’s happiness had been right in front of her all along. Cassian had stood by his happiness without fail for most of his life. And the King and Queen would have to be particularly callous to ignore the reason for that shared happiness. 

… 

Months later, Lord Cassian Andor, newly minted Captain of the Guard, still found himself in dazed disbelief as he recited his wedding vows to a beautiful and beaming Princess Jyn. 

Never in a million years had he ever expected to be in this position, never had he anticipated his feelings being reciprocated or being accepted as a viable suitor for the Princess, never had he imagined being Captain of the Guard, nor titled, for that matter, when he had been born into a common family and wrenched away from them far too soon, alone and destined for a miserable life and a mercifully early death. 

He still didn’t have generations upon generations of royal blood running through his veins, but he was loyal to Jyn, and he would always look after her and keep her safe from harm for all the days of his life, even though she could absolutely take care of herself. He didn’t have castles or land, or a vast, endless fortune to offer her. 

But he had his heart, and he had his undying love, and as he was almost moved to tears as they were announced husband and wife, Cassian finally felt that maybe that was just enough.

“I love you”, he murmured, searching for their first kiss as husband and wife, his jubilant laughter echoing throughout the the packed ballroom, even louder than the assembled crowd and their cheers when Jyn, a smirk lifting her lips at the edges, replied - “I know”. 

Maybe, despite all the turns that it had taken in order to get here, he had ended up exactly where he belonged. 

Like most fairytales, they lived happily ever after … but not without their own fair share of adventures along the way. 

Those are, perhaps, stories for another time.


End file.
